I have had reoccurring nightmares since age 5.
The first one involved my beloved first grade teacher being turned into a mermaid and locked forever in a massive aquarium surrounded by dingy water and bloated, disgusting fish. It may sound silly, but to my 5 year old self it was terrifying. So terrifying in fact that I still have a thing about large amounts of water kept indoors (aquariums, pools, etc.). Let’s just say they are really not my favorite.
As bad as that dream was it pales in comparison to the most recent nightmare that has plagued my slumber. I’ve been having this one for maybe the past 2 or 3 years.
In the dream I am an adult and I’m single (I feel that’s important to specify. I dream in all the different stages of my life thus far.) and I find myself in some type of horrible situation. The circumstances actually change each time. Sometimes I’m homeless. Sometimes I am without family or friends. Sometimes I am losing a job or getting kicked out of college. The circumstances aren’t really important, but the feeling they leave me with certainly is. I always feel at a horrible, horrible loss for what to do and how to move forward. I think and think and simply can’t see a solution. I feel like my life is over. To make it worse, I sometimes I have the children with me too. Not only can I not fix this issue for myself, but what will I do for them?!?
I end up walking alone around a college campus mulling it all over. As I walk I feel sick to my stomach, anxious, lonely, depressed and so, so scared. Even typing this out remembering how it always feels I’m getting nervous. In the dream I am in desperate need of answers, help, relief!
I walk for a while, swimming in my thoughts, and then something happens. I remember him. Corey!
And then I start running.
I run past people and buildings looking for any sign of him. I know he is at the college too and I am determined to find him. When at last I do, I hold on to his hand and let the feeling of being with him anchor and steady me. I can breathe again and I start to feel relief. Then I realize the reason we weren’t together in the first part of the dream is because we actually aren’t married yet! And it just feels so, so wrong!
The answer to my problems becomes crystal clear. I have to marry Corey. If we are together than nothing else matters. Nothing. He is my home. He is my life. All I can think is that when we are married it will all be okay. We will take care of each other and face whatever is wrong together. He is the answer!
The next part of the dream we are driving to the courthouse (Why not the temple? Haha! I’m not sure! It’s probably because we feel such an incredible urgency to get married and know it will be faster!) and then before too much longer we are married. The dream ends with whatever original problem I had left unsolved, but I feel so much better knowing I am safely married to Corey.
So the nightmare ends happily, I guess. But you know what? I never wake up feeling good after I have it. I can’t get past the fact that for a while Corey and I weren’t married, and I can’t quite shake how sickeningly wrong it felt. Corey knows when I’ve had the dream because I seek him out for a hug in the real world and tell him simply “we weren’t married again.”
As of this past week, Corey and I have been married for ten years. A whole decade!
These ten years have brought us so closely together that the very thought of not being with him makes me ill.
We belong together.
And now… as I sit here writing… I am realizing that this is quite possibly the most depressing way ever that I could have tried to put into words what Corey means to me. Haha! I am POSITIVE Corey would say so! You want to know what he says when I tell him I’m sad that we weren’t married? He says “But we ARE married!” And tries to snap me out of feeling unnecessarily sad! Yep. He’s good for me, that boy.
Haha. Well. I’ve already written this whole post, so not publishing it at this point would feel like a gigantic waste of time, so I’m leaving it. Don’t laugh too hard at me okay?
How about this? I promise you a much lighter, happier post soon. Corey and I are going away sans children (even Dorothy!) this weekend to celebrate our anniversary. Ten years of wedded bliss deserves something special, don’t you think? We’ve been looking forward to spending this time together for months! We’ll take some fun pictures and I’ll tell you about it later.
Ta-ta for now!